what if I said I still love her?

school starts in slightly less than 2 days. I am not prepared and tbh I really don't wanna go back. I've been enjoying holidays and freedom too much, and it seems like I've forgotten how to study and go to school really HAHA. too many people are going to ac, people who know too much. I want a fresh start, but it doesn't seem like I will get one. word will spread and yeah, shit will happen. I just don't wanna be judged for my mistakes and my past, and I don't want people to label me. but oh well, I suppose it will happen anyway and I just gotta face it. its my fault anyway. sooooo. just gotta go with the flow and stay out of trouble lah really. but trouble always seem to come find me, so.

"you fake a smile, lie and say, 'you're better now than ever and your life's okay.'" BUT ITS NOT. I actually have a lot of things on my mind now, but I somehow can't seem to translate them into words. and it hurts really badly. ignorance is bliss, and somehow I wish I don't know about many things that are going on right now. Anyway, went for FCM today with glenys and vanessa! it was raining, and I kinda zoned out and dozed off for a bit :/ meh. basically, we leaarnt about the blessings of Christ. I guess I'm really blessed and thankful that God is willing to save me. tbh, I'm so sinful and evil beyond measure. looking back on these past few years, my life has been really messed up. I'm not kidding. but I'm thankful that God is gracious and merciful and got me out of that big mess. after FCM, we had dinner at mos and Vanessa gave us a mini tour of the campus. the campus is H U G E. it reminded me of NUS or some community center. no kidding. I was honestly pretty impressed with everything, although the campus was a little too big for my liking :/ all in all, it gave off a really nice vibe, kinda made me wish I was a student in there! apparently, SP has a starbucks, macs, kfc and a popular bookstore omgosh!!! HAHA studying there would be awesome. jc in comparison seems so boring and stressful actually. aiya but its really too late to back out now, just gotta make do! I like drinking water. hehe I'm weird. ok bye.

for some very odd reason today, I went to read my old blog posts. I felt thoroughly embarrassed, I was such a lame kid /facepalm/. so I deleted all my old posts, and I'm gonna start blogging again! today was a crazyish day. in the morning, grandpa fell in the kitchen. he had a 4cm cut on his head and there was blood everywhere. I've honestly never seen so much blood in my life :/ my lifesaving skills kinda came in handy, I helped him up and I remembered RICE for treatment for bleeding. HAHA. called the ambulance and stopped the bleeding. my sister called it a "superhero" moment, although it was more like instinct? I don't know. anyway, thank God grandpa is fine even though he has a broken hip :/ ohman. thank God we were home when it happened, if not.. meh ): had a productive training today! kinda managed to get back (some) form and solve a few problems. I still need practice. don't really wanna embarrass myself during PBC. I wonder why I make such rash decisions sometimes. JW camp starts tomorrow! praying for a fruitful one, and that the kids would learn much from it (: helping the kids out with arts and crafts HAHA. I hope I would be of some help, my art skills are non-existent. sighpies. I wish I was actually good at something. God gives each of us at least one talent, so I suppose mine is yet to be discovered! AC training tomorrow morning meh ): tbh, I really miss Uncle Billy and Strike Academy. its nice that he's my coach again (: most people I know are overseas and won't be coming, so I hope it won't be awkward. kinda having second thoughts about actually dsa-ing to AC, not sure whether bowling is really what I still wanna do.. but sigh, its too late to back out now. I'm hoping that this would pass, I really don't wanna regret anything. have a good feeling about AC in general though, they're all nice people! I hope I can start posting regularly and help get certain things off my chest. keeping things inside is so emotionally draining sometimes.

SCREAM, AIM, FIRE
shh. silence is an art